I flew to Oregon -by myself- to see my father and two of my brothers and their families. My father is going to be 77 in December and I haven't seen 
him for about 12 years, or had much contact with him for about 18 years. He has survived many life-threatening experiences, including an explosion in his face, almost bleeding to death, and major heart surgery. He told my oldest sister Sherry after his heart surgery that his biggest regret was that he wasn't closer to his children. I decided it was time to go and make peace with him. It took me a solid two weeks, no longer, to prepare myself so that I could show up as a loving daughter for him. It is hard to write about this, but I was a walking disaster before I went to see him. I grew up feeling cheated that I didn't have a daddy to love me and treat me like a princess. I raised myself because he was not there for me physically or emotionally. I turned away from him and ignored him for many years, and I flet this was justified for what he neglected to give me. Now, in preparation for my trip, I felt like I had to strip myself down to the core - naked, unearthed, excavated. I looked my soul in the eyes. Then, being completely tumbled down, I realized that I am damaged, but there is greatness in me, and I could build back up again stronger and more loving. I do love my father. I didn't need to tell him how much it hurt that he was never really a father to me - he already knows and feels his own pain for it. When I arrived he embraced me like we had always been close. I stayed with him and he fed me so much food! He picked the last of the blackberries from his yard for my breakfast the first morning (and then proceeded to force waffles down my throat!) I also know now where I got
my sweet tooth from - how do we not all have diabetes? Dad moves very slowly, and is often unsure of necessary things like doctor appointments and medications. I'm not sure how he really takes care of himself. He was more lucid than I have seen him in the past,though, and he only called me Sherry once! I was able to video him talking about his life and some of his -literally- crazy experiences. We sat in his hot tub and went for a picnic(mining pan in hand) and went to doctor appointments, grocery shopping. I think he really enjoyed having me there and I felt 
like I was home being there with him in the trees and so close to the ocean after so many years. I was able to completely open my heart to him and release him from the harsh judgement I had held for him. I know his problems are largely beyond his control. I am so happy to have him in my life, for whatever period of time he has left in his. I am his loving daughter.
him for about 12 years, or had much contact with him for about 18 years. He has survived many life-threatening experiences, including an explosion in his face, almost bleeding to death, and major heart surgery. He told my oldest sister Sherry after his heart surgery that his biggest regret was that he wasn't closer to his children. I decided it was time to go and make peace with him. It took me a solid two weeks, no longer, to prepare myself so that I could show up as a loving daughter for him. It is hard to write about this, but I was a walking disaster before I went to see him. I grew up feeling cheated that I didn't have a daddy to love me and treat me like a princess. I raised myself because he was not there for me physically or emotionally. I turned away from him and ignored him for many years, and I flet this was justified for what he neglected to give me. Now, in preparation for my trip, I felt like I had to strip myself down to the core - naked, unearthed, excavated. I looked my soul in the eyes. Then, being completely tumbled down, I realized that I am damaged, but there is greatness in me, and I could build back up again stronger and more loving. I do love my father. I didn't need to tell him how much it hurt that he was never really a father to me - he already knows and feels his own pain for it. When I arrived he embraced me like we had always been close. I stayed with him and he fed me so much food! He picked the last of the blackberries from his yard for my breakfast the first morning (and then proceeded to force waffles down my throat!) I also know now where I got
my sweet tooth from - how do we not all have diabetes? Dad moves very slowly, and is often unsure of necessary things like doctor appointments and medications. I'm not sure how he really takes care of himself. He was more lucid than I have seen him in the past,though, and he only called me Sherry once! I was able to video him talking about his life and some of his -literally- crazy experiences. We sat in his hot tub and went for a picnic(mining pan in hand) and went to doctor appointments, grocery shopping. I think he really enjoyed having me there and I felt 
like I was home being there with him in the trees and so close to the ocean after so many years. I was able to completely open my heart to him and release him from the harsh judgement I had held for him. I know his problems are largely beyond his control. I am so happy to have him in my life, for whatever period of time he has left in his. I am his loving daughter. 
1 comment:
Hi Glory,
You were very brave to go and visit dad (in so many ways). I feel like you do and I tell myself that in the next life maybe he will be the dad we all wanted him to be. I know he really appreciated your visit and is still happy from it :) I'm so glad you went even though you spent most of your time taking dad to Doctor appointments he couldn't remember. It's a wonder how he gets by day to day...
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